[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
respect
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Lol
I saw nothing
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills