One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok