Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.