Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
pep talk
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.