Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*