If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
You Might Also Like
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.