I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.