I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live