My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.