Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why