I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
When I laugh on my period
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
happy valentine’s day to me
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out