I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
#catsoftwitter
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.