If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.