Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
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I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”