My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.