I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
he looks great for his age
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.