My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Body by Oreos
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.