People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Sunday
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?