One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too