An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
What an awful time to have common sense.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
me logging onto twitter
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.