*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.