*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Always leave them wanting their money back.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.