Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
motivation
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*