[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
You Might Also Like
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.