Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.