Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm