“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The French cow says MEUX…
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Me too, bag. Me too….
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Cardio Made Easy
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos