when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much