“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
You Might Also Like
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way