THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Sharon I have some bad news
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.