ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video