[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My love language is deader than Latin
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.