If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller