You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Can’t. Being lazy.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend