If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My five year plan is a meteorite
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
584.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!