*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself