Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Any refunds available?…
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.