ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Breaking news:
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too