Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
be careful
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
#TopTip
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand