My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
You Might Also Like
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.