I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“A little help here, Danny?”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.