[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
You Might Also Like
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?