Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Phones down.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”