When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I forgot how to panic. Help
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.