1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
twitter users today:
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.