I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
scared to check what name she chose
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.