“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You Might Also Like
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.