anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
You Might Also Like
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I was just discussing this with my cat
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’m crying im so happy for them
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?