me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper