When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.